About three weeks ago, I received a check in the mail from my insurance company for $207. The check was addressed to both my ex-husband and I, and my name wasn’t my current name but it was my married name. My guess is that he cancelled or changed our former homeowner’s policy. My second guess was that the check should go directly to him but somehow Allstate got confused. The universe was giving me $100 and I wasn’t going to say no.
I emailed him and told him about the situation. I point blank said that I would be taking half of the check. Do you know what I wanted? I wanted him to write back and tell me that the check was his no matter what. I wanted him to tell me I couldn’t have it. Because I was ready to fucking freak out on him. I was ready to go the fuck off about how he sold the house under false pretenses and made a $25,000 profit that I didn’t get. Never make emotional decisions. Never feel bad about what you’re doing and the choices you make. Never allow your ex-husband to keep the house because he says he wants to stay close to his job. Because he will turn around, sell it, go to Hawaii, and get married to his co-worker.
Is my ex-husband a bad person? No. But I spent months and fucking months listening to him cry and spiral into depression about how I left him, left him, abandoned him, left our life and now he’s fine. He’s fine. See? Fine.
He didn’t respond for three days in which I was constantly writing the email in my head. I was going to be poignant but striking. A light dusting of anger. Try to hide the bitterness. When I’d heard he sold the house, I was really upset but then tried to just accept it. The universe has moved on. Then the check. This was my chance. Honestly, more than anything, I wanted him to know that I knew and that I felt cheated. Regardless of who left or why, AZ is community property. 50/50. That’s what happens when you get married. Sometimes you have to suck it up. He was so distraught that he had to give me $4,000 as a “settlement” when the divorce was final. Like, he didn’t even look at me when he handed over the check. That covered living expenses for two months.
When he finally replied, he just said sure, we can cash it together. Goddamn it.
I was out of town and he was busy, so it was just this morning we managed to get to a bank. We both had to sign and be there.
I walked in two minutes late. He’d already texted to say he was there. His wife, I saw in the parking lot, was sitting in her car. It was running.
He told me he’d been promoted. He asked me how I was doing. I tried to be civil, but kind of I was angry. I wanted to ask him if he was able to accept the promotion this time. Three years ago, he had a meltdown. They’d offered him a position across town. More money. More responsibility. He would have to commute or rent an apartment. I thought it was an opportunity for us to spend some time apart though I didn’t tell him that at the time. I think he understood. I think he knew why I was pushing. He shut down and didn’t leave the house for three weeks. Ultimately, he turned the job down. Later, he told me he felt our marriage was more important. Emphasis on the word LATER. This came up in post divorce conversations.
Hopefully, this is the last time I have to deal with him in person. It’s just odd and awkward and slightly painful. I don’t particularly care that he’s remarried but now with his promotion, his marriage, and most likely a new baby soon, he’s just winning.
(By the way, I went back to Facebook. I couldn’t help it. I’m in a bunch of writer groups, and the conference is always a place to make new contacts. I haven’t stalked their pages in awhile, but I’m certain if she’s not pregnant by now, she will be soon. Goddamn fertiles.)
A long time ago, I told him I want the best for him. I told him I couldn’t give him the life he needed or wanted. I was becoming cold. I was becoming a person who didn’t like to be touched or touch. In all my righteousness, this is what I wanted for him. My friend told me I needed to be happy for him, and I needed to be genuine about it. I guess I should work on this.